Saturday, December 08, 2007

life update

I thought I had a blog entry after the august one... but I can't find it anymore. Odd. But here goes an update of everything i've been up to this fall...

I'm currently working as an English teacher, earning twice as much per hour as the average Italian, and for Nov and Dec I also work at a bookstore, which pays minimum wage. Both places are particular, they cater to the rich of Milan... So technically I'm being paid minimum wage to rub elbows with the millionaires of this city, while being a broke ass myself.

I should change my nick to "condradictionsgirl"...

Unfortunately the current job situation is unstable, the hours are random and never guaranteed. The schedule is prepared every day for 3 days after, depending on who booked lessons, so I have to check hours every day and I can't plan my week. And it's usually 3-4 hours a day tops. But on average it should pay the bills. I borrowed so much money this year for living expenses that I feel I'll never be out of debt, but I should be able to finally pay rent on my own next month, so I take that as a positive point.

I'm also working 7 days week cuz of the holiday season. The bookstore is open every single day through Xmas. I gave full availability cuz I need the money, so I've got a handful. Still 2 weeks to go and I'm exhausted already!

Grandma's will is still up in the air, and it's emotionally stressful. I feel powerless, clueless, and like I'm being used and not getting any real help. But I'm trying not to let go.

On a personal and social level, life sucks big time. I'm at a pretty big low right now. But I'm keeping at it and see if things will change. I curse fairy tales and the general "good things come to good people" thought that fiction is so full of nowadays. In real life, people will bite and scratch in both self-defense and for the pure natural aggressive behavior that is natural for any survival. Shy people get stomped on unless they have family or a mentor to shelter them.. and you have to learn that, and live with it.

I vote for the original Andersen tales to be read to children!! Fuck Disney!

I look around every day and all I feel is that I see people that figured out how to live their lives. Or, at least, they are filling in a role that plays within human society. Me, I feel like I'm an alien that never quite understood the rules of the game and keeps sucking at playing. Once in a blue moon I actually get it right, but it feels like it was a fluke and it's not like I learnt anything. Interfacing with fellow humans is a game of luck and so many different emotional mixes, that fiction never teaches you.

Then a couple of weeks ago I got sick. One of the joys of being a teacher is being in a closed room with all sorts of germs people might be carrying. I already got sick twice with colds. The second one was a severe cold for a week, totally clogged nose, but I still managed to work. Friday night, 5 days into the cold, I taught phonetics and ruined my voice box. I woke up Saturday morning unable to speak. I was in pain, and had no clue what to do. The doctor I go to for regular stuff isn't available on weekends. My roommates were asleep after a night out and I felt like they couldn't care less. So I ended up going to the emergency room on my own on Sunday at 5am, cuz I woke up and couldn't sleep anymore and didn't know what else to do.

I wrote on some pieces of paper what I felt, and directions for a cab to take me to the nearest emergency room. When I got there, they just looked at me funny, took their sweet time, finally asked me what the hell was I doing there taking up space from real emergencies, and had me wait 4 hours for the throat guy on call to come in. 1 minute examination and he sent me home telling me I just had a severe laryngitis and I could just do some warm inhalations for 10 days. I had to pay more money than I had saved and didn't even get any sympathy. I was crying on and off, with frustration and with pain, and no one bothered to ask me anything.

The girls at the pharmacy where I bought the mad expensive medicines were the only ones that, seeing me crying, showed some sympathy and asked what was wrong. Since I couldn't speak, and also cuz of my usual emotional walls, I couldn't explain that I was alone and scared and moneyless and I was spending in one shot money that took me days to earn and I had just been treated like shit and I wished I had someone next to me to tell me everything would be alright... so I just shook my head and they took it as me being sick of being sick... I just nodded and put on my sunglasses and walked back home so I wouldn't have to pay a cab again...

I couldn't work for a week, and since it's not a full-time job I didn't get any sick days or anything...

It's funny how you can cry, sobbing, a few feet away from someone, divided by just a wall, and know that all they think of you is that you're a stuck-up bitch that keeps to herself and isn't easy-going or any fun, and yet she expects some basic help like going grocery shopping together... while all you lack is social skills, courage to be yourself, and self-confidence, and you think no one cares.

Oh, and at the bookstore every time I'm alone with someone I have to hear them talking shit about everyone else at the store... So much anger around, and only cuz of personal frustrations... There are some that talk shit about the older lady that used to run the place and criticize her managing skills while they don't think that she's having a tough time dealing with the fact that after her husband passed away she had to deal with having her ownership being taken away from her and still work there... Or I have to hear one girl talk shit about the other just cuz they don't get along and they just lash out and tell me the worst traits of the other... Today I was told by one how the other has no friends and is a social fluke and she sucks... All I could think of is why can't she see that she could use a friend. And figured she's insecure and a drama queen herself so that's her only way to retaliate... But there is so much anger around. And I'm too sensitive to it all.

All I manage to do is get severe headaches from all the muscle tension I build up on my shoulders and neck. Cuz I don't let anything out and absorb it all. And I just wish for a massage, which ain't coming. No money to pay a professional on a regular basis, and no friends that are touchy-feely with me in the non-interested way.

Learning to expressing yourself in a way that people will get your true self is a skill that no one teaches you, not in school, not in life, not anywhere. So either you get it, or are born charismatic, or you're stuck with yourself.

So, while I still wait for the prince on a white stallion to read my mind and come rescue me, I dream of being a tough character like AEon Flux so I won't depend on anyone but myself and be ok with it, I face reality every day with neither options available. Alcohol and cigarettes and videogames and TV fill the void and numb the brain so I can get to sleep and get to the next day.

What the hell is the point of intelligent life anyways?

2007 is going down as the lowest year in my life so far.

2 comments:

Eri-chan said...

*hugs* I understand how you feel, I used to feel like that myself all the time... hell, I still do sometimes. I wish I knew what to say that would help though.

I know I'm not around much anymore but you can always email me if you wanna talk. And you've got plenty of other friends here who DO care, remember that.

-Erica

Charlotte Bair said...

You can e-mail me, too. Erica is right, you have friends here who care a hell of lot. You inspire us with your ability to travel around europe and then make the jump across the ocean and start a new life in a new country. It is difficult now, but things will get better. Hang in there hon. We love you.