more life ponderings

On a tram, on my way to work, one cloudy, cold morning in Milan. A conversation between two persons sitting next to me made me stop, put my videogame down, and listen.

An elderly gentleman, very nicely dressed, a bit ailing from the looks of him, was chatting to a not-much-younger-but-better-off lady next to him. From a quick glance and after a few sentences, I gathered that they didn't know each other. She had just helped him on the tram or something. He was the kind of person that just exudes confidence, wiseness, wealth, and an overall refined style. What you could think of as a well-bred person.

Their exchange made me take my notebook out and write down their words. I have to point out that I have this terrible memory that stops me from remembering details the moment they pass from the present, so I didn't manage to to them justice, but the gist of it was this:

Elderly man: "When I need help, I just ask someone next to me. And I found out that in this world there are many good people. I've never had any difficulty. Like with you."

Lady: "But the people that make more of an impact are the mean ones."

Elderly man: "Yeah, they are the minority, but they make more noise."

The way it was conveyed was very important, as well. They spoke candidly. With wisdom. Their words had the weight of experience.

I got off that tram with such an uplifted spirit, I thought it'd last forever. I was ready to see the world under this shining light. It could be done. My life had so many strong points and amazing feats, I was a good person, too.

I walked into the bookstore. Bitching and moaning about co-workers, lack of money, bad economical period. A new kid who barged in on what I thought of as my job is actually better at it than me. I resent him and just move out of the way, brooding, upset and feeling unrespected. No one tells him to make me space, since I was there first. He's got one of those hyper personalities, talks and jokes and gets along. And the only way I can think of reacting is to yell at him and tell him to get out of the way, but I know that's wrong so I just shut up and move off and find something else to do, completely miserable and rethinking about my horrible life. I know I could find a clever way of dealing with it. They always do that in books. But it just doesn't come out.

Xmas talk. Everyone talks about the time they'll spend with the family. Rich people come in and spend as much money in one shot as it'd take me to earn in a week. Their holidays will be spent in their mountain home, organizing dinners for the friends and family. After a few hours of this, I say my goodbyes and go to my other job.

Evening working teaching English. While waiting for the next students to show up, I strike up a conversation with a coworker, a lady in her 40s or 50s. The topic, of course, is the holidays. So, where are you going to go? She was the first person to have my same plan: taking xmas as a day off. She's going to be home, doing nothing. I didn't ask, but I'm guessing she has no family or anyone either. She asked me if I had anything special in mind to do with myself. All I could think of was waste time, feeling depressed, alone, the usual crap. Kill the brain with some videogames and other escapisms. Since I wasn't going to actually say any of that, I just came out with a "Oh, nothing much. Just rest. What about you?" Then her face lit up and she started saying that she planned to put some nice music on, do some writing she had in mind... That's when the students showed up and we had to get back "on stage". But the thought started in my head: why didn't I think of seeing it as a chance to do something cool? Why did I have to concentrate on the negative aspects?

Xmas party. Alcohol flowing. A first hesitation turns into a lot of chatting with random staff, colleagues, students. A colleague who's been patiently trying to get on a date with me, being very nice and talking about being there for me, meets me there and thinks we're hanging out after. I end up the night getting drunk, kissing another random colleague I never talked to before, and just making such a mess that not only did I make a fool of myself, but I also carelessy walked all over the first guy, treating him in a very insensitive way. The kind of thing I'd bitch about other people doing to me. Now of course I've lost the respect of two people, plus that of anyone watching. For some strange reason I can't manage to feel too sorry for myself. I deserved that one. I can't quite wish I hadn't done it. But I do wish that I could think of it as "omfg that was crazy!" and laugh about it.

After wondering how the hell all of this can co-exist in the same world, and in such a short span of time, I try to move on and process it all.

It's now 3:30am, I have to get up and be at work at 8:30am, for a full 11 hours of work between the two jobs. My brain knows I should just sleep and be rested. I've been trying to shut my eyes since 12am. But I finished watching a movie about some famous model in the 80s who was such a fuckhead and a druggie, but got her life to be on film, and tons of people to talk about her... and I'm thinking "maybe if I was a bit more fucked up I could be famous, too."

Someone is yelling the italian version of "fuck!" outside. Every person is a world in itself.

My head is filled with too many things. And as a part of me is fully aware that I just have to accept it, as that is just life, another part is childishly wanting to be whisked away and be able to do all that I want without consequences.

In theory, the key to it all is just to be able to seize every moment you go through, make it yours, and enjoy it. In practice, the people that get somewhere in life do that. Usually unconsciously. They're just wired that way. Most of the others just move on from one moment to the next, wondering how to seize it, and never end up doing much. The older I get, and the more past I have to look back upon and ponder what I've done, the more I think I am not one of those people that manages to seize the moments. When I try to and think I'm finally doing it, I quickly rationalize it as me just being stupid, or it's already been done, or I didn't actually do anything much.

So here is to 3 hours of sleep and let's see what tomorrow brings...