Something about Anna.

I was going to leave this blog entry for the 31st, but it seems more than one person I know has had a shitty end-of-the-year, so I hope this will inspire someone...

I got my December paycheck from the bookstore's accountant today. She's a tiny lady, curly hair, what I always thought of as a Peppermint Patty type. Very talkative if you just bothered to listen. I never exchanged more than a few words with her. She had talked to me a bunch at random times when we crossed paths. About her daughter, mostly. She only works part-time so you don't see her much.

Today, she was in the bookstore to deal with all of the end-of-the-year accounting while the bookstore was closed. She had told me I could stop by and get paid. So I showed up at around 11:30 am. An hour later, in between numbers and cash, she had told me half of her life story. And I saw a little bit of the sad me projected into the future.

She was a chain link of bad adventures. Her story began when her mother passed away, 6 years ago. It was a big blow for her. Then her husband left her a year and change after that, after 20-odd years of marriage. No good reason according to her story. He got lucky and the judge ruled against any alimony. He refused to speak to either her or his daughter ever again.

Her daughter, 17 at the time, went into some sort of nervous breakdown. Then the rest of her recent past was a string of unlucky events. The mortgage, on a variable percentage rate, skyrocketed to almost double its value. Her phone line had been jacked and charged her tons of money she hadn't spent but had to fight against for over a year. Her daughter's car co-sign had a check that bounced just 'cause her employee was 3 days late paying her daughter. So now she's in a credit bind that doesn't allow her to refinance or do anything with Italian banks. She keeps getting hit financially.

Then there's her social life. Just about nil. She lost her married couples friends after her separation. Her Xmas and new year's story was sadder than mine. Her daughter has friends, goes out often. While she sits home alone. She's incapable of latching with her coworkers. She told me how she sees the other coworkers hang out after work, and they never call on her... And she is *convinced* it's 'cause of her "bad mood". She's so shy, she has a hard time going food shopping alone. She cries often. You wouldn't see that from just seeing her buzz about the bookstore. She looks determined and strong. But she has no family to call upon. Her one sister doesn't talk to her. Her dad isn't close to her. She hits a brick wall when she's in need.

She reminded of my dad a lot. Growing up a daughter alone, with an anger towards people and the world and an inability to latch onto any significant relationship... I can see how she is trying to do all she can for her daughter, but her being miserable is just making her daughter miserable by default.

...and then I think of the similar complaints I go through. I say many similar things to what she says. But even though I might be alone most of the time, I have people that support every emotional and financial need I have. I am *incredibly* lucky. I can bitch and moan, but I *will* have someone to listen. I will need money for rent, and I *will* have someone to cover it. I really should learn to relax more. I don't have it so hard.

I gave her some "no-nonsense advice". I told her that her miserable life is definitely affecting her daughter. She should try to make friends. She stared blankly at me and said that was impossible. If it was up to her, if she was told she had to die tomorrow, she'd be relieved. Her life was only a survival instinct. I told her she could look into things she likes to do. Join a book-reading group at her local bookstore. She said it was only teenagers that went there. I suggested some other activity. She had another negative reply. And she reminded of myself. And many other people I know. A friend of mine said I did the same thing. I kept having a negative answer to anything she suggested.

It's hard to be hit in the face with your own truth. And see it from another point of view. I'm glad I can see it while I'm still young enough to make a difference, and it's not hitting me when I'm over 50...

So that is my new year's resolution. Stop bitching and start thanking. And start doing. I've always wanted to get voice training. I'm going to look into that. And more art training. And more fun things to do... Money is *not* going to be an obstacle anymore. I spend enough on rent and food. I can spend a little more on things that will make me feel better.

So, thanks to all those of ya that feel they can believe in me and spur me to go on. You make an incredible difference in this person's life. And more people should be so lucky.

Here's to a healthier 2008! I wish you all a wonderful new year, and I hope it will bring us all a more peaceful life. Or, rather than ask for the impossible, a more peaceful outlook towards it :) Big hugs!!!