off to Amsterdam

After two very tranquil days, dedicated to catching up with people, re-packing, relaxing, and re-organizing things, in just a couple of hours I am off to Amsterdam. There is supposed to be internet in the apartment, but the lady of the house didn't know how it was setup... I am hoping it's not password-protected or that it doesn't require any fancy configuration I have no access to... It would suck to have a blinking modem 5 feet from me, and every day have to walk to some internet cafe just to blog and do email!!

While 2 weeks seems to be a bit much to be sitting in one place, I am hoping it will give me time to be productive. I have several things I want to accomplish:

One, actually reading the myriad of books and magazines I have been lugging around about photography. For all the money I spent on that camera, I keep just taking snapshots. Not really thinking technically. So, while I enjoyed the time away from the camera, I do want to learn to use it better. It will help in the art I want to do.

Two, dedicate my time to some writing. When I set off for this trip, I mentioned to several people that I was thinking about a book. At first it was a more generic "oooh, pretty pictures of places, a travel book." But I also had in mind to do a sort of biography. "Based on a true story!" ;) In keep with the "searching myself" theme. I think the snapshots situation is pushing me to thinking my life is going to have a better shot of being of interest than the random pictures I've been taking, only few of which might be good enough for commercial printing.

I am still debating the need to be private vs the need to let things out... All those artists that do put themselves out there, expose their inner selves... and all those people that love watching/reading them, but yet are so afraid to open up their own world to just the people next to them... It's a control thing, isn't it? You withhold information, you don't let people have control over you, be able to judge you, influence you... On the other hand, your fear of being exposed, and the lack of knowledge, is what really makes you vulnerable, how you are controlled. When you have enough strength to be open, to expose your hurts, it's when *you* take control over them. Plus, it is those people that do not have enough info that are abused by the world. You think you are abnormal, you are ashamed of yourself, while there are a million others like you. Those women that do not know that there is more to the world than an abusive husband. Just need to identify with someone else that did get over it. Boys who grow up with an insane guilt complex from religion or parents, especially about sex, and yet if they were shown that sex is natural, not something to be ashamed of, that there *are* others who didn't grow up with the guilt, that it's ok to enjoy it... What a difference information makes.

Life is life. Morals change across the ages. What was ok a century ago is now a shameful thing... What is ok now was unthinkable only 40 years ago. Humans are beautiful because of their diversity and their versatility. And fear is really the biggest problem of all. The only line to be drawn is the one infringing on another's freedom and well-being. If you enjoy hurting, hurt yourself, not another!

I'm going with the thought that if you are a good, strong person, you have nothing to hide. Yes, even considering that "good" is relative. Leave it to politicians, scammers and liars to master the art of privacy! But even for them, truth is truth. Past facts are un-doable. What ppl do will always have a chance to be known by others.

So, *my* experiences can go into the collective of biographies that help the world identify, and they might feel like there *is* someone out there that does feel the same, that went through the same shit, and came out ok after all! And *that* is a good contribution to the world, I think. Make something useful out of my self-centered being ;)

But, even if I never actually get to the point of publishing, writing it might be a good exercise. There will always be these blog entries to flow through the world.

And then there are still all the places I want to visit around Amsterdam. Hmmm, I hope I can actually get everything done!

So, the next entry is either from my new broadband connection... or the dinky internet shop next door :P

PS) And as an extra insight: for those that have followed from the beginning, did you notice a change from a more "today I did this" structure, to an actual personal thoughts and feelings mode? Maybe *I* am gathering strength...? ;)